As Easy as Falling Off the Face of the Earth Read online

  “My methane digester exploded,” said Everett. Aside from that one “Damn,” he didn’t seem too perturbed. Then he said, “Jeez, I bet that scared Lulu. She hates explosions.” Now he did seem worried, and he headed around the house, looking around and calling for the dog.

  THE LONGEST BREAKFAST

  Everett returned shortly, carrying the quivering Lulu in his arms. He set her down on a nest of blankets and wiped his hands on his shorts. Because the stove was out of commission, thanks to the explosion, he dug out an electric skillet.

  “Eggs?” he asked. “Pancakes? Both?”

  He proceeded to mix up a batch of pancake batter, throwing in a little of this, a lot of that. He scooped and dumped with a carefree flair, as if he had done this many times and knew exactly how to do it. Or else he was completely oblivious to the idea that amounts might matter. It was hard to tell which.

  He asked Del to start cooking the pancakes while he, Everett, got Ry started on the squeezing of the orange juice. The orange juice squeezer was old-fashioned, with a handle that went up and down. Everett dragged a crate of oranges over from the corner and found a sharp knife for Ry to cut them in half with.

  “This batter looks like cement,” observed Del.

  “You might want to turn the heat down on the skillet,” Everett observed back at him. Mainly because he had observed the column of smoke rising from the hot oil. Maybe he felt one fire-related incident per morning, per house, was enough.

  “I always do it this way,” said Del. “They come out just right.”

  He poured four sizzling circles of batter, PSSsssh, PSsssshw, PSSSshw, Psshw. Everett glanced over from where he was scooping coffee into a paper filter.

  “The insides won’t get cooked,” he said. “And the outsides will burn.”

  Del ignored this. Instead, he said to Ry, “See if you can find a sieve to pour that through and get the pulp out.”

  “The pulp is the best part,” said Everett. “It’s the fiber.

  “I do have a sieve, though,” he said. “I even know where it is. I used it yesterday, to get the ants out of the syrup.”

  He fished it out of the sink, tapped it to knock out the remaining ant carcasses, gave it a rinse, and set it on the counter near Ry. Del flipped the pancakes. The cooked sides were dark. Very, very dark. Ry kept chopping and squeezing. And now, straining.

  Lulu had recovered. She wandered over and sat next to the crate of oranges, watching Ry. He reached down for another orange and gave her a scratch, forgetting that his hand was sticky with juice and pulp. When he brought his hand away, it was covered with dog hair.

  “Interesting,” said Everett, cutting into the crispy pancakes with the side of his fork. Moist batter oozed out, glistening. He scraped up the gooey part with the crispy part and put it in his mouth.

  He didn’t say, “Mmm.” No one did.

  “I don’t know what happened,” said Del. “Maybe the coils in your skillet aren’t heating evenly.”

  “Could be,” said Everett. Graciously, Ry thought.

  “The batter was pretty thick, too,” said Del. “Do you ever measure anything?”

  “Measuring is for sissies,” said Everett. Not quite as graciously.

  “Or the thermostat might be off,” said Del. “It can be off just a little and it will make a big difference.” Okay, Del, you can shut up now, thought Ry.

  “You don’t go by the thermostat,” said Everett. “You go by what’s happening with the oil in the pan.” With an unspoken any idiot knows that.

  Jeez, Ry thought. It’s just pancakes.

  He took a crispy, gooey bite, slathered in butter and syrup. It wasn’t exactly pancakes.

  “Mmm,” he said. “Calories. I love calories.”

  Ry decided a new topic would be good.

  “Hey,” he said. “What was the coolest thing you guys ever did together?” He felt like a kindergarten teacher. Play nice, everyone.

  At first it seemed his ploy had worked. Del and Everett agreed immediately on a particular climbing trip, in the Rockies. They waxed poetic: starting the climb in the dark, the first glow in the east. The huge quiet of the mountains, with only the scraping of the crampons and the slight sound of the ropes whispering into knots. Looking out from the top to see one peak after another.

  Before long, they were remembering a particular cave in the side of a mountain, where they had taken shelter one cold and stormy night. They decided to try to build something of a wall, to keep the howling winds out, using the ready supply of rocks all around them.

  Sitting inside their sleeping bags for warmth, they would reach around for a rock, then lean forward to place it carefully on their wall. They could not agree now on which one of them had chosen the rock that was too large, too irregular, and too sharp, and who had set that rock on top of the wall. They couldn’t agree on who had said, “That’s going to fall and rip holes in our bags.” Which it then did. Not big holes. Just big enough to argue about.

  Ry watched them bat it back and forth across the table for about twenty minutes. What is it with these guys, he thought. Who even cares who picked the bad rock? It was a mistake. He couldn’t quite believe how…stubborn Del was being. Everett was being stubborn, too.

  Ry broke in. “I’m sorry to interrupt,” he said, “but do you think I could use your phone, Everett?”

  “Oh, sure,” said Everett amiably. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to Ry.

  “I’ll go outside,” said Ry. As he left the kitchen, Everett and Del resumed their argument.

  No one answered at the house. No surprise, though he had hoped. He pushed the buttons to retrieve messages. There was only one, from the police: Had he heard anything? He called the number and left his own message: “No.”

  Del and Everett walked past, talking and laughing, on their way to the big pole barn where Everett kept the airplane.

  Okay, he thought. So maybe they won’t kill each other.

  HERE WE GO, THEN

  Except for being so small and for missing one wing, it looked like a regular airplane. Until you got close, and then especially when you looked inside and saw the duct tape everywhere. Then it looked like a refrigerator-box spaceship made by a six-year-old. Only less roomy. The dashboard instruments appeared to be authentic. But, Ry thought, how would I know?

  “I know duct tape is really great,” he said, “but I didn’t know it could hold airplanes together.”

  “The duct tape isn’t holding anything together,” Everett reassured him. “It just reduces some of the vibration. Sort of. Well, I don’t know if it actually does that, but that’s what I wanted it to do. It gets pretty loud up there. Sometimes I can’t hear for days.”

  A person might think it would take quite a while to attach a wing to an airplane, roll it out the door, and take off. That is, if you could even do it at all. Some part of a person might be secretly hoping you couldn’t. But it seemed to happen zipzapzoop, just like that. Before Ry knew it.

  Even in that short time, Del and Everett found a lot to disagree about. For example, every little thing.

  “Four-inch bolt?” Del would ask.

  “No, I think a three-inch will do it,” Everett would answer. You could reverse who said what; it happened both ways.

  “You sure?” asked Del.

  “Yup,” answered Everett.

  “It’s your life,” said Del.

  “It’s our life, too,” said Ry. Everett chuckled. Ry felt more nervous.

  He was starting to get that the arguing might not mean that much. It made him nervous anyway.

  Or maybe that had more to do with this little airplane.

  Ry couldn’t decide whether it was good that the three of them could lift the wing up into position, because that meant it was lightweight and would be more likely to stay up in the air, or if it was bad, because that meant it was flimsy, not trustworthy.

  He had flown before, in big commercial aircraft, without giving it much thought. But the meta
l of Everett’s airplane was not all curved and aerodynamic. The bends were angular, as if they had been folded along some giant dotted line. Who knows, maybe they were. Maybe that was how it was actually done.

  He asked Everett. Who laughed.

  “Yes,” said Everett. “It’s an origami airplane.”

  He moved around the plane, checking, tugging, tightening, in such a matter-of-fact way. It was calming. But then, there they were, strapped into the tiny silvery cubbyhole cockpit, barreling down the runway, which was just a field, really, with some orange cones and a wind sock on the far side of the pole barn. Ry wished they could just drive the whole way.

  They had liftoff. The earth fell away.

  “Here we go, then,” said Everett.

  “Up, up, and away,” said Del.

  Once they were aloft and vibrating, Everett mentioned that the forecast in the newspaper yesterday had been for good flying weather.

  “We’re flying an airplane on a forecast from yesterday’s newspaper?” asked Del.

  “They usually come pretty close,” said Everett. “Not always, of course.”

  They motored through the air, inching along above the glittering seas in their dinky aluminum husk. Ry could see their insignificant shadow on the water way down below. The noise seemed more solid than the plane itself.

  Lulu was along for the ride, squished in next to Ry. She wore specially designed dog ear protectors, on stretchy fabric that went around her head. She might be freaked out by explosions, but she seemed unfazed by flying in small airplanes. She seemed calm. But she was a dog. What did she know?

  Everett shouted, over the noise of the engine, that the last time he flew over to Yulia’s, the air had been really bumpy.

  “And the time before that,” he said, “I was running just ahead of a thunderstorm. So today is just great. Picture-perfect.”

  “Do you go there pretty often?” asked Del. He shouted it in an offhanded way. But Yulia was his old girlfriend. Who he still liked. Was smitten with. Ry leaned forward slightly to hear what Everett might say.

  “Well, I go there once a week or so for work,” he said. “I have a sort of a job there. And I usually stop in at Yulia’s to say hello.”

  That seemed like an okay answer to Ry. His attention shifted to his stomach, where uncooked pancake batter was swiftly expanding, or creating CO2 molecules or whatever baking powder and raw eggs do when they ripen together.

  It occurred to Ry that there did not seem to be enough air in there for them all to be breathing. He knew this was all in his head, because he could breathe more easily by burying his face in Lulu’s fur, which made no sense at all. Unless dog fur had hidden air pockets, like the ones seals have, to help them float. He kept his face in there for a while.

  He lifted his head when Everett started banging on the dashboard, or whatever it was called.

  “I thought I fixed that,” Everett said in mild surprise.

  “What is it?” asked Del.

  “The dial isn’t moving,” said Everett, pointing. “I think it’s just a loose connection. Can you pry that panel off and take a look? There’s a screwdriver in that box under your seat.”

  This did not sound so good to Ry. He didn’t think it would sound so good to Del, the meticulous craftsman,* either. He could almost hear Del spitting out the word shoddy.

  But if there was anything Del liked better than fixing things, it was fixing things while in a precarious situation. Rising to the occasion. Being more than a passive passenger. He was happy as a clam.

  Ry, on the other hand, noticed that red itchy bumps were appearing on his skin. Hives. All over. He sat, cramped, sweaty, waiting, and now, itching.

  Glancing out the window reminded him that things could be worse.

  At least the plane is still in the air, he thought to himself. At least I’m not sick to my stomach. Though when he thought that, he realized he easily could be, so he tried to think a different thought as soon as he could.

  At least…at least I don’t have any broken bones.

  At least Lulu is here.

  At least I’m not hungry. Though hungry might be better.

  At least—at least I’m not—like, a political prisoner.

  Okay, he didn’t want to play that game anymore. He was hot. He was itchy. He fixed his gaze on a toggle switch that vibrated a few feet directly ahead of him. The plane was still noisy, but the steadiness of the loud droning was lulling. After a while, his mind wandered, and his gaze followed. For an hour or more, he forgot where he was, at least in a concrete way, even though he was watching islands of various sizes mosey by, far below, out the window. They were abstract islands.

  Then the plane dipped down. The bottom fell out from under them. They fell into a layer of bumpy air that bounced them around like a shoe in a clothes dryer. Oh, good, Ry thought. Even better. He looked at Lulu, strapped in beside him. She tried to lick his face, as well as she could between ricochets, with the healing spit of dogs. Her breath was not that great. But she was his favorite part of what was happening.

  It was hard to ignore that what was happening could include, at any second, something pretty bad.

  “Rough patch of air,” Del said to Everett.

  “Like driving down a rocky road,” said Everett. “Makes you realize that air is a real thing.”

  They didn’t seem worried. Maybe Ry shouldn’t worry, either. Okay.

  But it was so unpredictable. And invisible. You couldn’t see it coming. Smooth enough, and then WHAM. Or

  DROP.

  Worry didn’t seem out of line. Still, he tried to ratchet it down. Direct it into problem-solving. What could he actually do? The first thing that popped into his mind was the unhelpful reminder that a person who is lost should stay in one place and wait to be found. Great. Another rule he had broken. Though he didn’t think that would have—

  Whoa…hang on…roller coaster…

  Maybe it was time for large thoughts. He sent his love out into the rough air, hoping it would find its way to his family, his friends, his dogs. Wherever they all were. Put his arm around Lulu, surrogate for all of them. If he went down, he would go down with her.

  Ry closed his eyes and thought about heaven. He believed that it was a still place, very still. It was on the ground, not in the clouds, and the angels didn’t fly; they walked. There was grass, and there were trees. There were picnic tables and a concession stand and a souvenir shop. There were gravel paths and informational signs. Maybe he wasn’t thinking of heaven. Maybe it was more like a state park.

  He was headed for the concession stand when, through his reverie, he heard Everett say, “Here we go, then.”

  “We’re landing on that?” asked Del’s voice. “There’s a whole huge island down there and we’re going to land on a sidewalk balanced on a precipice? That’s like landing on the edge of a knife.”

  “Yeah,” said Everett.

  “Wow,” said Del. “I hope we don’t miss.” He sounded impressed. Ry considered opening his eyes. But didn’t.

  “I haven’t missed yet,” said Everett. “Though I guess there’s a first time for everything.”

  “Wouldn’t it be easier to use a seaplane and just land in the water?” asked Del. “Seems like it would leave you more margin for error.”

  “Well, number one, that’s not so easy in the ocean as it is in a lake,” said Everett. “Number two, at least on land you can see where the rocks are. And number three, I don’t have one of those. Also, you can’t just leave it there and wander off.”

  A sharp, sudden blow jolted them from below as the rubber met the runway. Then came the bouncing ride and g-force of the little plane leaning back as it struggled to come to a halt before screaming off the other end.

  Ry’s eyes had involuntarily opened. He saw some land rolling off to one side, with vegetation and trees growing out of it. Mountains, maybe, in the haze. He could see the ocean, and they weren’t in it. Everything was still, more or less.

  �
�Cheated death again!” said Everett gaily. He opened the door and jumped down. Del followed. Everett poked his head back in and asked Ry to unstrap Lulu. Ry did so, and Lulu made her way to the door, where Everett helped her to the ground.

  Then Ry crawled out and jumped down. His knees were wobbly. They didn’t want to hold him up. He leaned over to unbend some of the kinks and creases that had formed. He had an urge to kiss the ground. In gratitude, sort of, for having made it. Then it seemed silly. And then it didn’t. He didn’t want Everett and Del to see him do it, though. He kept stretching, watching from the corner of his eye until they started walking away together toward one of the two buildings sitting off to the side of the runway. Then, quick as a wink, he put his lips to the sun-warmed asphalt or concrete or whatever it was. It was weird, but he felt better. He kissed the ground and thanked the sky. And jumped to his feet and followed the leaders. He lifted his T-shirt and looked at his stomach as he walked. Yowza. Bumps. Lulu had waited for him midway, and now she wagged her tail as he came near.

  This airstrip, with the two small hangars to the side of it, was part of a ritzy, private-type resort that people would fly into, in their ritzy, private-type airplanes. The airstrip and the unspoiled natural beauty were the only parts that existed so far. Everett was working for the guy who was “developing” the resort.

  The developer lived in New York or New Jersey or somewhere.

  Everett was mostly a landscaper, but he also worked with local subcontractors and laborers for the New York guy, because that guy didn’t speak Spanish and Everett did.

  He made a call now. Ry had taken Spanish in school, and he tried to follow what Everett said, but Everett was really good and it was like trying to pick words out of rifle fire.

  Ry turned and looked back at the airstrip. They stood near one extremity of the island proper, but the first half of the runway, where they had touched down, was perched on a rocky promontory. The land fell sharply to the sea on either side of it. Ry was glad to be looking at this dramatic path of approach from down here, not from the air. He sent another kiss down to the earth through the soles of his feet. Hello. Thank you. I love you.